I love you, you know I do

I will listen to you cry,
While thinking of what to say,
Wracking my heart for a piece,
To take your pain away.
I don't understand at all,
What you're going through,
I know that God has a plan,
But I can't tell this to you.
I think it will make you mad,
Even though that truth you know.
You want another answer.
Your anger at Him shows.
How could He be the God of love,
When He let her die?
I don't know the answer to that,
But I know it's ok to cry.

I am a Snowflake Hidden

Inside a glittering drop of rain.
I am a vessel of God's love,
Trapped in a casket of pain.
I am out-going and noisy,
When I am all alone.
I'll talk for hours on end,
When no one else is home.
I am truly blessed to be,
And grateful for each step I take,
And wish my lips would smile,
When you see me, for your sake.
If you look a little deeper,
Maybe, maybe you will see,
That my heart is filled with joy,
And my eyes know how to see.
I am multi-faceted,
With a smooth outside shell
That's clear, and if you look through it,
All this you'll be able to tell.

An Explanation for my Lonliness

I refuse to choose between you
so instead I sit alone.
We will see if you love to fight
more that sitting with me.
That's how you're acting
childish and petty.
I miss you.
I really do, but you
mean no more to me
than she does.
You need to know
that I will not make the choice.
I will not give you my approval
for hating my friend.

nothing fancy please

I want a white dress
to twirl in
one that will let me spin around
it doesn't need to be silky
it need not have lace
nothing expensive is necessary
nothing fancy and rich
simple cotton will do
very nicely in fact
light weight preferred
it can have sleeves
or not,
but please not in between
or maybe two would be nice
one of each
one for the warm days
to twirl barefoot
in soft green grass
or in a field of flowers
and one for the cold days
with white boots, (or skates)
mittens, and a hat to match
I want a white dress
to twirl in

Winter is my favorite season

I love how the cold
draws people together,
inside, around a fire.
I love how the snow
is so clean and the air
is so fresh and crisp.
I look forward to bundling up
in fluffy, furry winter coats.
I giggle at the hats
that make it hard to hear,
but it is better to not hear
for now than for forever.
I love snow angels and snow men.
I love sledding and skiing.
I love the smell of the cookies
waiting inside, the pie
baking in the oven, the warm
something cooking for supper.
I love the snow flakes,
unique, every one. I savor
the sting they leave on my tongue.
I love the excuse to bring
out knitting needles and
wool yarn, blankets and slippers.
But my favorite thing about winter,
is that very rare occasion
when a few snow flakes gingerly
land on my eye lashes.

God is my keeper

God is my keeper,
when shall I die?
He sees me hurting,
and hears me cry.

God is my keeper ,
I want to know,
when this'll be over,
I want to go home.

I want to be in His presence,
and see the golden roads.
I'm tired of waiting,
in this world sorrowed.

If I must stay here,
in this world of gloom,
please make him better,
and let him smile soon.

It hurts to see him,
so bitter and cold.
He's angry and lonely,
is what I've been told.

I love him dearly.
Please heal him fast.
He needs Your touch Lord.
He's so downcast.

Oh God my keeper
please hear my cry
I want to stay here
but I want him alright.

Hollow Rain

What is like
an empty raindrop
falling down
on a parched field:
tempting and misleading?
It's almost like a
bubble,
but heavier,
offering no relief,
not able to quench any thirst;
just pretty.
It glistens as it
falls toward you,
down to you,
from Heaven.
It must be bliss.
It has to bring comfort,
and ease to this dry land.
But it barely splashes,
almost shatters
or pops.
What sound does
it bring as it
caresses your skin?
What sound does
this hollow rain make?
Is it silent like
snow?
Or does it truly
sound like bubbles popping?
Maybe it sounds like
carbonated water,
freshly pored:
a very very faint hopping. barely
barely heard. What
reminds me of this empty
rain, tempting but misleading?
What is as beautiful,
yet still insincere?
It smells of rain,
clean, sweet, moist,
but is it rain?
It gives no refreshment
no life, just pleasure
shortlived pleasure
and simple beauty.
It sounds like love.

water as rain

please excuse the periods

.................. One
.................day I
...............stopped
.............to....listen,
..........listen for the
.........rain. .I....could
.......hear.....it....falling
.....about me. Even when
....I listened hard, I could
..only....hear....it....splashing,
..when..the..droplets..hit..the
..ground; I could hear the soft
...trumming as the water fell
.....around..me...I..fell..in..love
.......that day with the sound
...........of..water..as..rain.

The Small Room Painted Black

I remember every detail
of that small little room
It had textured walls
that were poky,
and the windows were
boarded up
to keep out the light.
The walls were painted black
and everything in it was dark
except the little red
light that flashed when
the pictures were being
made. There were white
linoleum tiles with little
grey speckles, fun to
slide on with socks.
After he sold all his cameras,
that room was a home
to ski stuff, jackets, and boots.
I could hide behind
the coats, and no one
could find me.
We were playing hide n seek
and I hid with him
in that room painted
black because I was too
little to hide alone.
We hid there because
no one could find us,
and no one did.
I wish they had,
I wish they had.

I Am From

I am from the lavish graffiti
that colors old Englewood.
I am from cowering beneath
plywood bunk beds
fearful of who might be
outside my window.
I am from walking down
the middle
of the road, because the
sidewalks were too dangerous, the
drunks would hide under the cars
and grab passing feet. I am from
Filipino accents
Peelings, nuting more dan
peelings. I am from
pansit and lumpia to
sushi and tampura.
I am from laughing
until tears stream
down your face,
crying in secret because
it's not right to cry.
I am from the mountains
skiing in the winter,
hiking in the summer.
I am from humble Christmas
morning pictures, no presents
in pajamas
and lamb for Easter dinner.
I am from uniforms,
plaid jumpers that itched,
direct instruction (meaning
the whole class answered
in unison), recess as an eighth
grader, and folded hands.
Love, simple, complex love.
I am from love.
I am from

My Keeper

All I want to do is cry

and tremble

and slowly fade away.

I constantly feel lonely,

but this is just too much

to bare.

Why can't You take me home?

Why do I need to be here?

What is there to do?

This world is filled with

pain, it has no remedy.

I know You're here

for me, but why can't

I be there with you?

I want to curl up in Your

lap, and slowly drift off

to sleep

in the comfort,

safety,

warmth

of Your steady strong arms.

Dancing with daddy

My daddy tought me how to dance
and I am dancing still
He picked me up with his thumbs
and like that we would twirl
I later became too heavy
to pick up and spin around
So then I learned how to dance
with my feet upon the ground
I would dance sometimes with my daddy
to old music way late at night
And when he twirled me around, I smiled
because everything felt perfect,
everything seemed right.

I no longer dance with Daddy
but I will dance alone
I'm afraid to dance in front of people
In that way I haven't grown
I like to dance for Jesus though
He doesn't care if I'm bad
My dancing for Him is my worship
and that makes Him glad
Someday I'll dance with people around, I will
because my daddy taught me how to dance
and I am dancing still

Dancing Still

I will change this later, but for now...


My daddy tought me
how to dance.
When I was little,
he would wrap my
hands around his
thumbs, and swing me
around.
He tought me how
to twirl.
He loved twirling
me and making
my dresses spin.
When I had his
thumbs in my fists,
I could do anything.
I could flip,
stand on my toes,
and most importantly:
twirl.

Every Sunday to
church, I would
wear dresses
always.
I didn't care what they
looked like,
as long as I
could twirl in them.
My shoes,
had to be slippery
on the carpet.
If they stuck to
the carpet, or had
friction, it was
harder to dance.

For a while,
I stopped dancing.
I am not a born
dancer.
My feet don't have
the tallent to dance.
I don't have the cordination.
I was embarrassed
to dance.
If I ever did dance,
I danced in my room,
behind a closed door.
My feet don't have
the tallent to dance,
but my heart does.

I learned that later.
It is hard to keep my
heart still.
I tried to compensate
with my hands,
and usually that works,
but my heart still
wants me to dance.
So I have given in.
My daddy tought me
how to dance.
And I am dancing still.

The Best View of the Sunset

I came after
a dinner party
on the living room floor.
I played hide ń seek
in my dad's
darkroom.
I learned that
textured walls leave
funny scars.
I found Easter eggs
on the top of the swing set.
I've feared someone
with all my heart.
I've been buried
to my head in sand.
I've tried to dig a hole
to China.
I've been a shark
in my back yard.
I've been an orphan
running away,
making soup out of mud.
I've been a pirate,
a horse, an Olympian,
and a pilot.

I've traveled 6,000 miles
to visit a friend.
I've climbed to the
top of the tallest
church in the world.
I snuck inside a
castle.
I've tripped in the Alps.
I've held back tears
just to make the
good-bye more pleasant.
I've signed with a
Deaf orphan,
Norma,
and then contemplated
sneaking her across
the border.
I've squeezed fresh
orange juice.
I've danced in the
rain,
in three different countries.

I cried for Columbine.
I cried for Columbine
because I couldn't
leave my school to go
home.
I had to hide under
my desk in the
second grade classroom
to hide from the
gunmen.

I once walked
backwards off a
cliff, and pretended
it didn't hurt.
I once gave a
piggy-back ride to
two children at the
same time.
I once wrote a poem
that made people
cry.
And only once,
put all my eggs
in one basket
and was crushed
when it tipped over.
Twice, I got caught in a
riptide and feared
for my life.
Twice I've seen
a moose while
backpacking with
my dad.
And twice,
I've repelled off a cliff.
We lay in the middle
of the road
because we
saw it in a movie.
I've been moved to
tears by the beauty
of the stars.
I've gotten the call,
“I'm sorry, he's dead,”
in the middle of
my school day.
Twice I built a
snow cave in my
front yard.
I've discovered the
irony of the word
FUNeral.
I watched my
hamster die.
I've had many
six hour conversations.
I've played with
dry ice.
Once I went to
an Indian reservation
and decided I want
to go back.

I've seen the sunset
from above the clouds,
and decided that God
has the best view.
He can see the colors
spreading out for miles
as the Sun dips below
the horizon of clouds.

I've seen the joy
of God shining on
the faces of
abandoned children.
I've spread rumors,
regifted birthday presents,
and walked down the aisle.
I sat in the rain
at the Air force
Academy graduation,
and I cheered when
the Sun came out.
I laughed at my dad
when he did a
somersault on skis
right before I
did my own.
I've had a face
full of frosting,
and ran through the
sprinkler to wash it off.
I have worn a kimono.
I was touched by the same sermon
spoken in both Spanish
and German, in Juarez
and Ulm.
I don't know how
to cope with loss.
I've set my goals
to high to reach.
I've stopped a car
to save a ladybug.

No Such Thing as Secrets

I told her something quietly,
I whispered in her ear.
"It's a secret," I said to her,
As I made sure no one else was near.

The next day I heard whisperings,
As I walked through my school.
I could feel the eyes on my back,
"How could she be so cruel?"

Then a friend came up to me wondering,
"I want to know if something is true,
I heard a little rumor,
But it doesn't seem like you."

She told me what she heard,
And I can see how it spread,
It's like that game telephone:
A distorted version of what I said

Now I know who I can't trust,
There's really no one I can tell,
No one who'll just listen
And keep my words confidential.

Bubble of Pain

There is this bubble growing in me
It is rising, swelling, ready to burst
it is a bubble of pain
I can feel it rising in my throat,
in my chest
hiding behind my eyes
growing
How to shrink it so it won't pop?
How to make it go away?
Soon please, soon
pain, please
be gone

Learning the Hard Way

I'm learning to smile through the pain
I'm learning that He can wash away the stain
I'm learning that He can carry us all
And His love is there to break my fall
I'm not strong enough to take the blame
And try to hold the world's pain
It's not my place to be filled with sorrow
Because millions will not eat tomorrow
I can love them and for them pray
But that should not take my joy away
That joy is a gift He gives me
And that gift was very costly
I have no right to reject it
Just to try to make myself feel worth it
He loves me and that's enough
Even though this life is rough
To make me smile when I'm sad
And I have another reason to be glad
People will rarely seek out pain
And there is something real to gain
When they find and fall in love
With my glorious God above
Why would they want to follow His road
If they thought they'd get a larger load
And be crushed under the weight
Of the sorrow of some people's fate?
God is strong enough to hold it for them
And I'm not needed to butt in
And feel guilty for how I live
And for what God has chosen to give
He loves me and that I know
Now I hope that that will show
So this is all I've learned today
How to smile when the sky is gray.

My Faith

I try to be open about my faith
About what I believe
Most of the time I fail
But sometimes I succeed.

I really do want to share it
And tell everyone I know
Because if I share it with passion
Maybe some people will follow.

So I'll take this space to tell you
That I'm in love with God
Because I don't know when it will be
That sharing my faith will be outlawed.

The Definition to a Simple Answer

You ask me how I'm doing
But to esplain it all
Would take too much time
All I really have time to do
Is look at you and say, "I'm fine."

I hope you can understand
That there's really more there
That I'm not trying to lie
But I can tell you are busy
`Cause you ask me as you pass by.

This time we're not busy
You set aside a moment
To ask about my day
But now I'm too scared to answer
So "I'm fine" is what I safely say.

I know you care about me
But it's so hard to believe
That you'd want to hear it all
So I tell you with a deep word
That is thankfully still small.

I'm in a crowded room
And I look around with longing
Searching for a chance to confide
Someone to ask me how I am
Because I hurt inside.

Now it hurts too much to tell you
The truth about my heart
Because it stings today
Can you see the pain in my eyes
Though "I'm fine" is all I say?

I'm not too good with words
I don't know how to simply express
That my heart is skipping or in pain
So I ask that you interpret
What "I'm fine" means each day.

So I hope you can understand
What I'm really trying to say
When the little phrase "I'm fine"
Is all that makes it out of my mouth
When you ask me how I am next time.

Ultra Confused

I wish I could write words
To the music my heart is playing
I have so much to say
That there's really no beginning

But how do you explain
something you don't understand
I want to share it with you
But I don't know how I can.

The Day Her Eyes Stopped Dancing

Her eyes have always shimmered,
But now they have gone dim.
I used to stare at them for hours,
In their depth I would swim.

I first saw her when skating,
Or at least I saw her eyes.
I saw them dancing and gleaming,
As the joy in her heart did rise.

Her gentle mind was focused,
On the small skating girl,
Who skated with abounding grace,
And would fly when she twirled.

I saw her compassion,
As she watched the girl with love.
And on that day I decided,
That she was sent for me from above.

I came to see her often,
But I never said a word,
To the wonderful woman,
Whose sparkling eyes I savored.

Until one early autum day,
I finally said "hi,"
But only after a long moment,
Of watching her eyes.

Her voice was like bells,
Or like diamonds and pearls.
I was instantly enchanted,
And my mind was in swirls.

Several weeks had passed with her,
And many blessed nights.
When I came to the rink to surprise her,
And was shocked by the sights.

Well, everything seemed normal,
All except her eyes.
They no longer danced and shimmered,
And had no trace of the moonrise.

I looked at where she was staring,
At the skaters gliding about,
And could not find the little girl,
Whom she couldn't seem to smile without.

She looked at me and said,
"My kid sister isn't here."
I saw the sorrow in her eyes,
Then my heart began to fear.

This is when it was,
The day her eyes stopped dancing.
Forever my life was changed,
For the little girl had forever stopped prancing.

How She Got the Shimmer Back

Version I

After the funeral was over,
When all who was left was her and I,
I looked and saw her confusion,
And she looked at me and cried.

That was the first time she shed a tear.
I had not realized that before,
Or maybe it had crossed my mind,
But I had decided it to ignore.

I thought I would love her always,
But now the shimmer was gone.
I realized it were her eyes I liked,
I tried to tell her we were done.

I knew it would be mean to tell her now,
As she looked at me and said,
"I wouldn't have made it through that.
I would have got up and fled."

"I'm so glad I had you here,
To lovingly hold me tight,
And kindly whisper in my ear,
'Everything will be all right.'"

That's when her eyes did pierce me,
And I realized I was wrong.
It was more than her eyes I liked,
I liked how she was strong.

She had something very unique about her,
Something out of a dream.
I asked her how she could smile at a funeral,
When her life was going downstream.

"Well you are not the only one,
Who can lovingly hold me tight.
I happen to be friends with God's only Son,
And with Him I know things will be all right."

"I had forgotten that for a while,
And I was very upset with Him.
I didn't see why He would take my sister,
And make my life so grim."

"But as I was sitting here just now,
I could feel His love steadily rising.
He loved me even when I was mad at Him,
And that to me was surprising."

"When I felt His love just now,
That's when I started to cry.
He said He wouldn't leave me,
And I know He doesn't lie."

As I was listening to her talking,
I again noticed her eyes,
They were again dancing and sparkling,
And I saw a trace of the moon rise.

I loved her more than ever,
And I knew she was very special,
And to understand her better,
I picked up and read her Bible.

Version II

After the funeral was over,
When all who was left was her and I,
I looked and saw her confusion,
And she looked at me and cried.

That was the first time she shed a tear.
I had not noticed that before,
Or maybe it had crossed my mind,
But that fact had been ignored.

I thought I would love her always,
But now the shimmer was gone.
I realized it were her eyes I liked,
I tried to tell her we were done.

I knew it would be mean to tell her now,
As she looked up at me and said,
"I wouldn't have made it through that.
I would have got up and fled."

"I'm so glad I had you here,
To lovingly hold me tight,
And kindly whisper in my ear,
'Everything will be all right.'"

I felt a tinge of compassion.
I actually felt cruel.
But I wanted to get rid of this burden,
And I didn't know what to do.

What was that I had been feeling,
If it really wasn't love?
Love couldn't just vanish like that.
That's something I'd never heard of.

I noticed she was still crying,
And I became very annoyed.
Why had I ever put up with her?
Of kindness I was devoid.

I left her in a hurry,
As quickly as I could.
I had to go and think this over,
Oh, I knew I should.

That night as I was thinking
I heard a soft crying at my door.
What could she want this time?
As I tapped my foot to the floor.

I got up very slowly,
As my anger did increase,
And standing right before me,
Was my crying little niece.

“I ran away from home tonight.
Can I please stay here with you?
Mommy and Daddy won't let me cry,
But I know it doesn't bother you.”

I had scolded my brother for this before.
“A girl will always cry,” I said.
“You just have to be gentle with her.”
Now his teachings had gotten into my head.

I gently brought her in,
And then quietly called her dad.
“I have your little girl here.”
Just please don't be too mad.

That's when my hypocrisy did pierce me,
And I realized she was a true gem
Her troubles weren't her fault,
And I shouldn't be afraid of them.

I went to her house to apologize
And tell her I loved her still
I knew it would be okay,
If our love for each other was real.

She forgave me as I knew she would,
Although I saw how it hurt her.
I promised I wouldn't turn on her again,
And then I began to talk to her.

That's when her eyes did pierce me,
And I realized I was wrong.
It were more than her eyes I liked,
I liked how she was strong.

She had something very unique about her,
Something out of a dream.
“How can you smile at a time like this,
When your life is headed downstream?”

"Well you are not the only one,
Who can lovingly hold me tight.
I happen to be friends with God's only Son,
And with Him I know things will be all right."

"I had forgotten that for a while,
And I was very mad at Him.
I didn't see why He would take my sister,
And make my life so grim."

"But as I was crying on you today,
I could feel His love steadily rising.
He loved me even when I was mad at Him,
And that to me was surprising."

"When I felt His love earlier,
That's when I started to cry.
He said He wouldn't leave me,
And I now know He doesn't lie."

“That is how you are like Him,
Although not quite as good.
I know you will never leave me,
And you love me more than you should.”

As I was listening to her talking,
I again noticed her eyes,
They were again dancing and sparkling,
And I saw a trace of the moon rise.

So this is how it happened,
As strange as it may seem,
How she got her shimmer back,
Was by me being mean.

Cry For Me

I stand in the shower and sigh,
These dropslets rolling down my face,
Are all the tears I can't cry.
I've been crying for way too long,
And my eyes have finally rebelled.
But don't tell me that grieving is wrong.
I know otherwise and won't listen.

inspired by m.m.

Fragility

.
mistakes are easy to make
sometimes it's a life you change
sometimes it's just a vase you break
but don't dwell on them too long
because after not much time
your borrowed life will be gone

Living With Pain

Written for Caroline Schmitt in the memory of her husband Phil the pill.


`Till death do you part,
Was what you said from the start.
Then not fully understanding ,
That at death it had to end.

As the years went by,
The time did much faster fly,
Because you grew together,
As a friend of Christ.

Thank you for sharing him.
He made our nights much less dim.
As we saw him tease you,
And make you smile all night long.

Now those nights are gone.
All we have are memories fond,
And the lessons you both taught us,
Along the way.

The first lesson was of love,
Taught to you by God above,
Shown to every stranger,
And silly, crazy teenager.

The second was of friendship.
It's like being joined at the hip,
To have a friend whose common goal,
Is to live his life for Christ.

And last but not least,
Was the lesson of peace.
Which is only accomplished,
Through the gift of grace.

Just as the Bible truely claims,
Love is one thing that remains.
And eventhough he's gone,
We still have that abounding love.

And with that remaining trait,
We have the laughter that it gave.
That along with love,
We have the faith and hope,
That we will dance with him someday.

Upside-Down Tornadeo again

My life is a tornado,
Gone upside-down.
I can hardly see the world,
All spinning around,
I can't see what's right and,
I can't see what's wrong.
I can't really cry,
So I sing a little song.
I feel all alone,
But I know it's my fault.
I've trapped myself in grief.
And now I'm really lost.
I've made a big mistake,
I don't know what to do.
How could I have done
What I can't seem to undo?

Gifts

The tears are trickling down my cheeks,
My eyes are swolen and red.
My thoughts are going way too fast
As I think of her fears unsaid.

She hides her pain inside her heart,
But to me it's on her face.
I see her cringe at her past life,
She knows not of God's warm grace.

All she has to do is look and say,
I'm ready to be forgiven.
I want You to dwell inside me now,
And change the way I've been living.

Why is it I know all this?
I can't help but truely care.
All I can do is pray for her,
Her heart I cannot repair.

But it doesn't really seem,
Like that helps all that much.
I wish I could see her change,
I wish her heart I could touch.

What use is knowing her pain,
If there's nothing I can do?
Why can't I have some other gift,
One that doesn't hurt, oh, I need You.

Free Bird

A bird can be free,
So why can't I?
A bird can soar across the sky.
It can dip and dive and twirl around,
And can plundge inself upside down.
It can do what it wants to do and when.
That's all I want every now and then.
It doesn't have to ask what to do.
That's all I ask from me to you.